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What to Expect When You Receive Cremation Ashes

How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, “I never realized my loss till this moment"?                 – C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 

 Image by Kapula*

by Jerri Haaven, Grief Recovery Specialist and Celebrant

When a loved one passes away, tasks such as day to day chores and preparations for a memorial service can feel overwhelming. The call from a funeral home or crematorium informing you that your loved one’s ashes are ready to be picked up may add even more stress. What might it feel like during the drive to pick up the ashes and on the way home with the ashes on the seat beside you? In the midst of grief, this call might be experienced as alarming. It carries the weight of finality.

We’ve gathered information to help you anticipate circumstances and details that might arise when you pick up ashes of a loved one. Some common questions addressed in this planning guide are:

  • Can I prepare emotionally to receive the ashes of my loved one?
  • Are cremated ashes sealed in a bag?
  • Are cremains fine or course? What color are ashes?
  • Should I expect an odor from the ashes?
  • Are cremation ashes heavy?
  • Do I need to purchase a cremation urn?
  • Other than transferring ashes in a cremation urn, what else can be done with them?

What will it feel like to pick up the ashes of a loved one?

When a person is ready to bring a loved one’s ashes into the home, unexpected emotions might arise. Keeping cremains at home can ignite conflicting feelings of both comfort and loss. It might help to prepare ahead of time by thinking about the call to pick up cremains, imagining the drive home with them and having a trusted friend or family member with you to carry them into the house.

It may also help to know that even professionals who deal with loss every day can be blindsided by the emotional task of picking up cremains.

“It was the call.” Ira Woods, president and founder of OneWorld Memorials remembers. “I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t expecting it. I was lost in my day then bam!”

When the funeral home called to inform him that his wife’s ashes were ready to be picked up, Woods momentarily froze. “I felt devastated. It was at that moment when I had to accept it was final. Kris wasn’t away on a vacation; she was gone for good. The proof was that I had to pick up her cremains.”

Even though he knew the funeral home would call one day, the raw reality of receiving the phone call, driving to the funeral home, then being handed a box with the ashes touched a loss deeper than he had ever expected. Situations such as this can be difficult to prepare for.

Knowing a few details about the procedure of picking up cremains can make this task less frightening. Here are answers to some frequently posed questions about bringing your loved one’s ashes home:

Are cremated ashes sealed in a bag?

The first big question usually concerns how cremated ashes will be presented to you from a funeral home or crematorium. We have paraphrased the following information on the legal procedures for containing cremains from the International Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association (ICCFA) to help you prepare for picking up your loved one’s cremated ashes. This comes from Section 6 of the procedure manual developed for funeral homes and crematories, entitled “Packaging of Cremated Remains.”

  • The entire amount of cremated remains will be placed into a “sealable container,” which must not be contaminated by anything other than the deceased’s remains unless an authorized agent (e.g. an authorized family member) has specified that some other object be included in the cremation process.
  • A “sealable container” is defined as being anything that can be sealed to prevent leakage or contamination by foreign substances. A zipper-locked plastic bag is the most common container used.
  • Maintaining proper identification, the sealed container and its contents will be placed inside a temporary container — often a cardboard box of sufficient size. You may discuss with your funeral director the possibility of providing a different container as an authorized agent of the deceased. If the box or provided container is larger than the sealed package of cremains, a filler may be added around the sealed container, such as shredded paper or cotton wadding. The lid or top of this container will then be securely closed.
  • If there are cremains that do not fit inside the receptacle you have designated, the crematorium may return the remainder in a separate container. You may also give written permission for any excess cremains to be disposed of according to legally established practices by the crematory authority.
  • Any temporary container used with the cremains should be placed inside a cardboard box with all seams taped closed to ensure the security and integrity of that container, then clearly marked with identifying information of the deceased person.

Are cremains fine or course? What color are ashes?

Many people expect human ashes to appear like campfire ashes, fine and fluffy. Rather, cremated human ashes resemble the coarseness of sand; they are not fine and light in texture like campfire ashes. Their color usually appears as gray, pasty-white or even dark gray.

Should I expect an odor from the ashes?

Most people who keep the ashes of a departed human or pet loved one at home say they detect no odor from the cremains. A few respondents indicated a very slight metallic odor or a very slight scent of incense. Your experience of keeping cremains at home may vary, depending on the type of container you choose.

Are cremation ashes heavy?

A box of adult human ashes can be surprisingly heavy. The weight is unlike what might be expected from a box of campfire ashes. Human cremation ashes include crushed bone, which makes them denser than ash from wood.

Sources in the funerary industry state that one pound of human or pet weight equals one cubic inch of cremated remains. If a person weighs 150 pounds, expect to receive about 150 cubic inches of ashes, which is about the same as 10.5 cups. Cremated remains generally weigh between three and seven pounds.

Do I need to purchase a cremation urn?

Choosing a cremation receptacle is a personal preference. If you have not selected a memorial urn for ashes in advance of a loved one’s cremation, the funeral home or crematorium usually returns the ashes in a plastic bag inside a cardboard box. Many families opt to purchase urns in advance. They may then have the funeral home transfer cremated ashes into display memorial urns, keepsake urns or cremation jewelry. Various urns for burial are also available, but the truth is that any urn can be buried. Keep in mind that a burial urn vault to protect the urn is recommended especially for ceramic and glass urns that are more fragile.

We often hear from people that they feel consoled by keeping a loved one’s ashes close to the heart by wearing cremation jewelry that contains a portion of the cremains. Others prefer to have the ashes buried at a place away from home where they can visit at a time of their choosing. 

For families who need an urn urgently for a memorial service, a temporary urn can be purchased either through the funeral home or from an online cremation urn retailer. Furthermore, if you’re unable to make an immediate decision, a temporary urn can keep the ashes safe until you or your family are ready to select the perfect urn to pay tribute to the memory of your loved one.

Other than transferring ashes to a cremation urn, what else can be done with cremated ashes?

There are many options for the distribution of ashes or for settling on a final resting place for cremains. Here are a few ideas:

  • Scatter ashes on land or at sea (check regulations for your vicinity)
  • Place ashes in a memorial urn for human ashes or a mini urn for pet ashes
  • Place the ashes in a burial urn to be interred in a cemetery plot
  • Have the urn containing your loved one’s ashes placed in a columbarium, which is a structure comprised of niches designed specifically for cremation urns
  • Encase a small portion of ashes in a necklace or bracelet that can be worn as a remembrance
  • Fuse ashes into artwork, such as paintings, tattoos or glass cremation keepsakes
  • Arrange to have ashes placed in a coral reef
  • Launch your loved one’s remains into space
  • Keep the cremated ashes in a closet until you and your family can decide on other arrangements

Just as grief is an individual process, each person’s experience of receiving the cremated ashes of a loved one is unique. It’s hard to predict what your emotional response will be. Knowing some of the details and understanding the facts about cremation can contribute to a more sensible approach to this difficult step in the grieving process. Likewise, giving some thought to what to do with the ashes once you have them at home can help ease the shock and move you toward a more peaceful sense of closure.

Jerri Haaven is a freelance writer and certified Grief Recovery Specialist and Celebrant. When caring for her dad who suffered from dementia and COPD, Jerri struggled with the negative side effects of his illness. She developed positive outlets to express herself and recover from her loss. Now she uses her skills to help people who are in the midst of their own personal story of grief and loss.

Comments

It’s touching and sometimes sad to read the stories here but I’m glad I found this page. I myself just lost my dear Uncle whom I took care of for 14 years. When you are full of grief it’s very easy to lose track of the enormous costs associated with the services provided by funeral homes. I did what most people do. Three days after my Uncle passed I made an appointment with the funeral home and signed all the paperwork needed for them to carry out their services. What I didn’t know is you don’t need to use a funeral home for cremation. There are options. Most cities now have specialized crematoriums now and you can expect to pay less than one-fifth the price of having this service done at a traditional funeral home. I also found urns online. The same urns the funeral home had for sale and much more but five times cheaper! There’s no reason to feel any shame for shopping around because it is a business and you are not treating your loved ones with any less respect by making an informed decision as to what you are getting for your money.

My husband passed away on the 17August 2021 I way sitting here tonight picked up is box and the lid on the botton fell off it’s never been touched does that mean anything I miss and love him so much he will stay with me till I pass

My husband passed away 4 months ago, I was able to have a funeral and celebration of life for him last week. But I am having trouble going
And picking up his ashes at the funeral home. Is this normal? My heart is broken💔

My mother passed away may 4 2021 her anniversary was the 5 She is with my father in spirit I will have an urn necklace made and a urn as well purple was mom’s fav color

I loved my mother deeply. The pain from losing her on 4-6-2021 has, and will be the saddest day of my life. I’ve been crying everyday. I miss her so much. My heart is forever broken. I picked up her ashes today, and felt angry, and sad. But her ashes will be with me always in her beautiful urn. Love you mom always in my heart.

My mums cremains are going most of them up with my dads remembrance oak tree in a national park that they love to walk together .. Reunited I have had some taken out to put in the soil of a lovely patio rose , called GOLDEN ANGEL , also we have a teaspoon that we are sending off , to put in a lovely paperweight xx

i am thankful that bookhout funeral home in oneonta handled my craig’s funeral arrangements and then carried out his cremation with the utmost respect and dignity. they have been good to me and my family. thank you bookhout.

My long time friend was a Mescalero Apache Indian. We were very close He passed away and had no family. He had paperwork with Hospice that I was next of Kin. At his death I was notified to either plan a burial or cremation. I chose cremation. I was hoping this was alright with his heritage. I have him sitting on my dresser. He was intelligent and kind. He loved helping others. God Bless his Soul and Spirit.

I have recently lost a loved one. My whole world has changed in a flash. We have just had the funeral. I am hesitant about picking up the ashes. I struggled to release the body. I just cant get my head round it that he is no longer here where has a person gone i keep thinking. It is enough to turn your mind. I feel i will never be happy again. I will just exist.

My Ashes are still in my car after aweek can not bring them in my home….

I possess the ashes of two loved ones. I don’t know whether my sense of smell is more acute but in both cases the ashes smell like the person did in life.. as though somehow a trace of their personal pheromones somehow survived the cremation process. Then again, perhaps it’s just a psychological phenomena that I have created to give myself a sense of comfort.

I have a question I don’t know if you can answer. My daughter’s ashes were divided into 3 sealed boxes. One of those boxes was buried immediately in their back yard with a tree. We buried our portion in our cemetery with an urn and also I had some ashes put into keepsakes. Some were just buried in a special urn that becomes a tree, according to my daughter’s wishes. I am concerned about the one that was put into the ground at her home. Does that outer box break down? They will be moving and I am very upset that it will be left behind in the yard for a future owner.

Ashes are to weigh 3 to 7 lbs? Obviously we didn’t receive all of my dad’s because they didn’t even weigh one in. This was in April 2000 at Valley Hills in Sunnyside WA

I have just found my husband’s late uncle’s ashes in a sealed box and don’t know what to do with them. I cannot open the box and never knew the gentleman, he died 12 years ago. I have tried the local church and cemetery but could not help unless a bought a plot of land . any ideas ?

How do u do a tatto with ashes

Dear Emily I’m sorry to hear your horrible news no one should deal with that sick!! I have a similar problem I’m sure you heard lately about Cantrell Funeral Home In Detroit my Mom dies last year and was cremated by Cantrell Funeral Home in East Pointe now I’m hearing that they might have put sand instead of my Mom I’m worried sick and don’t know where to start Maybe you can shed some light for me Thanx

Dear Jerri Haaven,

My mother passed away January 10, 2015. After her cremation, I picked up my mother’s cremains and three keepsake urns that we purchased from the funeral home. We chose to place her ashes directly into the ground without a container, so her cremains were inside of a bag, placed inside of a cardboard box. I waited to bury her remains until my brother and niece could come back from Indiana a few months later. We did so, privately at the High Springs cemetery just below her headstone, next to my beloved father. I gave a keepsake urn to each, my brother and niece, and kept one for myself. Finally laid to rest, I had some peace. That peace was completely shattered a few months later when my brother called me about the keepsakes. It appears that my curious teenage niece decided to check out her keepsake, unscrewed the lid in order to take a peek, and to her and our shock and dismay, she reported that the urn was empty. My brother and I checked ours, and they are empty as well.

There are no words to describe the anguish, horror, and the deep depression that I experienced. I am in tears now, trying to write about it after three years.

What can be done now? Nothing! I will not disturb my mother’s cremains. Even if we buried them in an urn, digging her up seems crass and tasteless.

Were we supposed to fill the keepsakes ourselves? Though I had several months before we buried her ashes, I would not in one billion-plus years have thought to open a sacred urn to take a little peek at what was left of my mother. May I please assume that my father’s keepsake holds his remains? (D. March 26, 2002, same funeral home). This is a rhetorical question and an afterthought, my father’s keepsake urn.

What is the protocol for taking care of the bereaved and their loved one’s remains / cremains, in terms of the keepsake urns? I cannot fathom the possibility that a funeral home would expect the family of the deceased to open up the main container (bag) and distribute their loved one’s cremains into the keepsake. That would be sick and heartless. What were we supposed to do – sit around the family dining table, pass her around, take a scoop, and fill our own urn? What if we spill a little? Just vacuum her up? I am heartbroken and deeply sickened. The thought of heartlessly expecting the family to handle these keepsake urns is disturbing.

Thank you for listening, and thank you for any suggestion or reply that you may have for me.

Kindest regards,

Emily R

So hard, his presence is no longer solid, he no longer shares my oxygen, his scent is no longer present. I thought about doing the tattoo with the ashes but I am afraid to trust a tattoo artist with my RAY’s remains.

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